Saturday, May 21, 2011

Alpha Dog

So, one week later.

Again, I suck at posting frequently. Actually it has been a hectic week. You see, living alone is a blessing and a pain in the ass. I literally have no time to do anything that is not essential: I wake up, clean dog's poop/pee, feed him, go out, drive to work, work, come back somewhere around 4 PM, take the dog out for an hour or so, buy something, clean some more, if it's a gym day I go to the gym, eat and finally sleep.

And of course, since I live away form my family I have no one to ask to do these things for me. There's no one that can take care of the dog, no one that can help me clean and I certainly do not have the money (at least right now) to pay someone to do it. Sure I have an unemployed boyfriend that COULD do it, or at least help me once in awhile, but he's way too spoiled and narcissistic to care about someone that isn't himself, so it's like I'm here alone.

I said  someday I would be talking about this boyfriend (ok, I'll call him S) and I think I want to do it now.
It's been three years since we started going out. When I met him (totally random thing, like in a movie-a really cheesy one) I thought I couldn't be so lucky. Me!
He is handsome [he looks like Emile Hirsch, taller with a hotter body], rich, funny, smart and a great f...lover. So I couldn't believe that he was actually interested in me, poor little me. Me with my average everything, except my low self esteem.

So, we began dating and I fell madly in love with him.
Turns out he's a cheater, a keen cheater. Turns out he's a sadist, a subtle sadist. Turns out he has a problem with rage, nothing dangerous, but he gets mad like that. Turns out in life he just wants to have fun. Turns out he constantly reminds me of how fat I am, of how I should lose 20 pounds to be acceptable.
Turns out he tells me he loves me and that he wants to marry me someday. Turns out he's hurt and incredibly sweet and needy. Turns out with him I discovered I actually wanted children, a family and everything else. Turns out I would do anything to please him and to keep him with me.

He has caused me to spiral back into old ways and new fashions to hurt myself. And I moved from my hometown to be closer to him. I now live alone, he never asked me to move in.

Writing this down is really heavy. It lets me see what kind of a relationship I'm in. Everyone told me I should just fuck the bastard off and go on with my life, but I can't. Not right now.
He's crawled under my skin and into my mind so deep I don't know if I want him out, even if he hurts me.
Of course, not everything and every day with him is awful. We have great moments and we get along like no one I've ever seen. The ups match the downs in magnitude, but not in frequency.
I often realize that I can't let him hurt me like this, that I'm smart enough to see that he doesn't actually love me. But I can't seem to let him go. I have sacrificed so much at this point it would be stupid to give up.
I'm like that. I like to hurt myself.

Right now he's in Miami and I'm home with the dog he presented me with for our three years anniversary.
Most of the times the little sucker's a liability, but I love him (the little sucker is the dog, wasn't too clear).
Once a day he calls me (at improper hours, seen the time difference) and he tells me about these properties he wants to buy the square footage, the exposition, the millions, the investment, the girls he met ("But I didn't do anything, I swear!"), how they are hotter, skinnier and have bigger fake boobs than me.

And I'm here, in my little studio, with the dog, with 600 $ to my name, not buying pants I need cos I can't afford them, and I feel like we're a million miles apart.
We're in such different places. He has nothing to do in life, he doesn't have to work and his life is all fun and games, and in three years I haven't seen him change a bit. He's still the same, does the same shit and still behaves, from time to time, as if I don't exist.
He's going back to Miami in a month or so, after a little trip with his friends at the beginning of June. I am not invited to any of these activities, of course. I can't afford it. He could pay for it, but doesn't want to.
Poor little me could take advantage of him, you know.

It's liberating to say these things with no censorship. I mean, my mom and friends know everything, but it still feels good to share this with some people I don't even know.

I won't talk about food, it's been a mess last weekend, so I basically am at the same weight if not 1/3 pound higher. Fuck. And I also started working out again.

Ok I will talk about food. Had 580 cals today, walked an hour with the dog so net should be 420 or so. Not
satisfied. By the end of next week wanna be below 108 at least.
Gonna go finish watching Alpha Dog with my lookalike boyfirend-movie's quite good, but I'm watching it now because it reminds me of S- and probably have a sip of something. Almond flavored soy milk. Or Light Coke. Or white Jasmin tea.

Finally one big huge thanks to Bones,, Danae and Elara.
You surely made my day and I hope you appreciate my writing. My love goes out to you and good luck for whatever you're up to right now. 

Hugs and lots of love- 


  1. :/ I don't like being blunt, but I'm going to be.

    I completely agree with all the people in your life that have told you to fuck the bastard off and go on with your life.

    This cannot be a healthy relationship and it doesn't seem like it's doing anything to help with your self-esteem issues or helping you to reach your full potential and happiness.

    I was in a very similar relationship where I always felt like I didn't deserve the other person and that I was lucky to be with him. Despite all the bullshit he put me through, I felt like I didn't deserve to be with him at all, so I should just deal with it because there were so many other things about him that I idolized. I put him on a pedestal all the time at the expense of myself.

    You should never have to feel bad about yourself or not good enough when you're in a relationship. If you're with someone who makes you feel fat all the time and is a drain on your self-esteem, then you're not with the right person.

    You could easily find someone who will love you for who you are and treat you well. I know it seems hard, especially when you're dealing with self-esteem issues, but you DO DESERVE BETTER. And you CAN DO BETTER. Believe me, once you get out of a relationship like this, it will be hard. But when you find someone who you truly connect with, who makes you feel good about yourself, and is completely supportive of you and who you are, you will realize how ridiculous your previous relationship was.

    Sorry this was super long. Hope it doesn't sound too preachy. I can just really relate and don't want someone making the same mistake I made.

  2. Based on your post... I am not a fan of this S character. You deserve better, someone who doesn't bring you down! That being said, I have to say I understand why you've stayed... I've been in a similar situation, and I know how rough it can be to walk away :/

  3. Regarding relationships, the most important piece of advice I've ever been given was this:

    "It's not how he makes you feel, rather how he makes you feel about yourself, that's most important."

    I live by these words. I'm done torturing myself and I'm done letting others do the same. I live for me now. It's not bad once you give it a try! You're worth it. <3. XXX.

  4. honestly, your boyfriend sounds like a gigantic a-hole. you deserve someone who will treat you like a queen.
    cinnamon is a wise woman btw, that's sound advice :)
    i hope you have a fantastic week.X