Alpha Dog

So, one week later.

Again, I suck at posting frequently. Actually it has been a hectic week. You see, living alone is a blessing and a pain in the ass. I literally have no time to do anything that is not essential: I wake up, clean dog's poop/pee, feed him, go out, drive to work, work, come back somewhere around 4 PM, take the dog out for an hour or so, buy something, clean some more, if it's a gym day I go to the gym, eat and finally sleep.

And of course, since I live away form my family I have no one to ask to do these things for me. There's no one that can take care of the dog, no one that can help me clean and I certainly do not have the money (at least right now) to pay someone to do it. Sure I have an unemployed boyfriend that COULD do it, or at least help me once in awhile, but he's way too spoiled and narcissistic to care about someone that isn't himself, so it's like I'm here alone.


I said  someday I would be talking about this boyfriend (ok, I'll call him S) and I think I want to do it now.
It's been three years since we started going out. When I met him (totally random thing, like in a movie-a really cheesy one) I thought I couldn't be so lucky. Me!
He is handsome [he looks like Emile Hirsch, taller with a hotter body], rich, funny, smart and a great f...lover. So I couldn't believe that he was actually interested in me, poor little me. Me with my average everything, except my low self esteem.

So, we began dating and I fell madly in love with him.
Turns out he's a cheater, a keen cheater. Turns out he's a sadist, a subtle sadist. Turns out he has a problem with rage, nothing dangerous, but he gets mad like that. Turns out in life he just wants to have fun. Turns out he constantly reminds me of how fat I am, of how I should lose 20 pounds to be acceptable.
Turns out he tells me he loves me and that he wants to marry me someday. Turns out he's hurt and incredibly sweet and needy. Turns out with him I discovered I actually wanted children, a family and everything else. Turns out I would do anything to please him and to keep him with me.

He has caused me to spiral back into old ways and new fashions to hurt myself. And I moved from my hometown to be closer to him. I now live alone, he never asked me to move in.

Writing this down is really heavy. It lets me see what kind of a relationship I'm in. Everyone told me I should just fuck the bastard off and go on with my life, but I can't. Not right now.
He's crawled under my skin and into my mind so deep I don't know if I want him out, even if he hurts me.
Of course, not everything and every day with him is awful. We have great moments and we get along like no one I've ever seen. The ups match the downs in magnitude, but not in frequency.
I often realize that I can't let him hurt me like this, that I'm smart enough to see that he doesn't actually love me. But I can't seem to let him go. I have sacrificed so much at this point it would be stupid to give up.
I'm like that. I like to hurt myself.

Right now he's in Miami and I'm home with the dog he presented me with for our three years anniversary.
Most of the times the little sucker's a liability, but I love him (the little sucker is the dog, wasn't too clear).
Once a day he calls me (at improper hours, seen the time difference) and he tells me about these properties he wants to buy the square footage, the exposition, the millions, the investment, the girls he met ("But I didn't do anything, I swear!"), how they are hotter, skinnier and have bigger fake boobs than me.

And I'm here, in my little studio, with the dog, with 600 $ to my name, not buying pants I need cos I can't afford them, and I feel like we're a million miles apart.
We're in such different places. He has nothing to do in life, he doesn't have to work and his life is all fun and games, and in three years I haven't seen him change a bit. He's still the same, does the same shit and still behaves, from time to time, as if I don't exist.
He's going back to Miami in a month or so, after a little trip with his friends at the beginning of June. I am not invited to any of these activities, of course. I can't afford it. He could pay for it, but doesn't want to.
Poor little me could take advantage of him, you know.


It's liberating to say these things with no censorship. I mean, my mom and friends know everything, but it still feels good to share this with some people I don't even know.

I won't talk about food, it's been a mess last weekend, so I basically am at the same weight if not 1/3 pound higher. Fuck. And I also started working out again.




Ok I will talk about food. Had 580 cals today, walked an hour with the dog so net should be 420 or so. Not
satisfied. By the end of next week wanna be below 108 at least.
Gonna go finish watching Alpha Dog with my lookalike boyfirend-movie's quite good, but I'm watching it now because it reminds me of S- and probably have a sip of something. Almond flavored soy milk. Or Light Coke. Or white Jasmin tea.

Finally one big huge thanks to Bones, parisienne.love, Danae and Elara.
You surely made my day and I hope you appreciate my writing. My love goes out to you and good luck for whatever you're up to right now. 

Hugs and lots of love-