Today i've been eating like a pig:
two yogurts (activia- natural and cereals- 250 total)
cereal soup (half a bowl- 80 )
fuckin 4 chocolates (the same my boyfriend bought me, mentioned in the first post- 200 )
super skimmed milk (60 cals)
And it's 5.10 in the afternoon.
And feel like I need an ice cream. I am afraid I'm going to get one while i walk the dog in a few minutes.
Ok, it's not so much, like in the real world. But f*ck me it's an awful lot to me. Like terribly terrlbly wrong.
Because when I'm on this path it usually boils down to me devouring everything in sight like some kind of monster, thank god I don't have ready to eat carbs.
Ind thank god I can't make myself throw up. I just can't, I tried so many times, seriously like a lot of times, staying in the bathroom 20 minutes at a time but never succeeding. I just stand there halfway crouched on the toilet with almost my entire arm down my throat, and nothing. All I get is saliva and a cough.
But rationally, I am seriously glad. because I know, I am sure that by now I would be doing it twenty times a day and I would be even more f*cked up.
Five hours later-
I interrupted writing because I had to walk the dog.
So, I walked him (as depicted above) and came back home. Walked in the park, usual stuff, picking up poop etc. Came home and thought about food (of course) and since I was supposed to go out I thought I should eat something to fill me up in order not to binge on junk while drinking out.
So i had a can of tuna canned in water (50) and a banana (90).
Then things started to turn badly. I realized I was not eventually going out and I started stress eating. Like "if I'm not going out I should at least pleasure myself with food".
I ate a kiwi cereal activia yogurt (you know, that yogurt that supposedly wakes up your bowels) and a miniature pizza. Right this moment, as I am typing, there's another one of those things cooking in the oven and thank god I only had two in the freezer. So today was more like a 1000 cal day. I don't even wanna count exactly.
I am officialy a jerk. I already feel like shit (after those three yogurts my intestines are having a party and everything i had to eat in the past days is invited) and nauseous, but I'm here waiting for that stupid thing to be done. Then i will sit on the bed and eat it. I am such an idiot.
Ate it now. Not quite as good as I had planned.
Since I have this cute little dog (4 months old) and he is constantly eating plastic, paper, wood, chalk, you name it and hiccuping like crazy all the time, I have a plan.
I am going to the vet and have him prescribe the infamous ipecac syrup for the dog- aka in case of terrible emergency when I feel too much of a guilty and fat moron to walk on earth and have eaten too much.
I know it's poisonous, so I am not going to use it on a daily basis. Just once in a while, in case of emergency. like today.
All in all, today was a stupid day.