Tuesday, July 5, 2011

The weight of hopelessness

Fourth day of work.
I am already ready to throw in the towel. On something. On trying to stop being a fatass, on the dog, on the having a house by myself or on the job itself.
Last couple of days have been hideous. And as usual I am up like crazy. Like 112. 
I ate like a pig on saturday though Monday. Yesterday I ate nothing all day long then went to the Brazilian restaurant and stuffed my face.
I am bloated and grumpy. 
And still my period is missing. Of course it is not because of the weight. It may be because of my crazed hormones. So, I am still not willing to get checked it out because they could actually make me go on some kind of birth control or hormone pill. That would mean retained water and shitload of cellulite=gain again. 
So, no deal.
Plus, I am sadly not trying to have a baby now, so it is perfectly useless.
Today has been bad too. 
Behaved at the office, then bought some things at a supermarket that sells all this biological stuff near my office (I think I have already mentioned it) and ended up buying some drinkable chai yogurt (that I had for lunch), some mini cinnamon rice cakes (that I finished right this second) soy yogurt (my dinner:57 cals) and some other stuff. 
This is what I ate today.
Too much for someone that ate like a con before the injection.

Sometimes all this crap, these calories, the keeping a journal and a close controlling eye on what I consume feels way too much. It feels stupid. Boring. And something to be glad it's not there.
But then, after some time of not thinking about it and ignoring it (but actually not behaving normally though) the need to have it back creeps in.
I can't explain it myself. I don't know. I just have to have it back. To live a diseased food relationship the way it gives me more hope of happiness: thinking that probably I will be able to starve myself long enough to reach the weight and shape that I want.
Because that's what it is. Hope.
That things will change. By restricting or starving. Giving up hope is bingeing. And that is why I can't take it for long.
Hope is the only thing that gets me going.

Love darlings,
Not so cheerful or energetic tonite.


1 comment:

  1. I know the feeling of being trapped in the monotony of the disorder. Sometimes, it just doesn't seem sustainable, so I try to be "normal" because I don't think I can keep it up. I hope you can find your sense of equilibrium where you're not trapped but can still feel good about yourself. And don't throw in the towel on anything unless you truly feel its best! You are capable of more than you realize.