And finally single. And a working person. And a fucked up mess cutting again. With shorter haircut.
Haven't been blogging for so many different reasons, mostly because I am fucking depressed again, as I now notice from my own last post.
A childhood friend of mine died last week. He was 27. 16 days younger than me. A car crash. His girlfriend is 8 months pregnant. His mom is my mom's bestie.
A fucked up story. It happened the last day I heard from my dear ex boyfriend. I wanted to die too. But then my mom tells me he actually died. And for some time I had a different feeling about suicide.
Like, really? I don't know. I have always been a major advocate for suicide: if you feel like it then it's right. But then. I don't know.
And then yesterday dies Amy Winehouse. Ok, not a fan. But I started having this feeling that this year might be my last too. She was born an exact month before me, my friend died a week before her and I am now 27.
I am scaring myself because this might be the proof that I am going crazy.
This is what you call a delirious thought.
So I figured the best thing was cutting again. So I did quite in plain view, right above the tattoo that spells the former love of my life's name. Gotta decide what to do with that as well.
I really feel like not erasing it. I want it. I want it to still be somehow visible or there, only in another context. I dunno, might have some kind of flower or something like that tattooed around it. You gals have any idea?
I have to wait until summer's over, cos it's pretty dumb to have tattoos made during beach and sun time, so I have some time to figure it out.
Ok, decided this second to post a pic of it. There we go.
Notice the HelloKitty stickers that cover my entire laptop. I am a grown woman for christ sake!
Anyhow. That is his name. I hope he dies in a sea of sorrow and loneliness as he deserves.
And I have been eating like there's no tomorrow. I pretty much gained back like 8 lbs.
I have no retain as I am so fuckin depressed and have the lowest self esteem ever.
If I think about dating again or showing my body to someone else I may faint. I feel more and more disgusting and increasingly fat. Still no period. Since it's not weight related my only supposition is that god doesn't actually want me to raise one of his children. I really don't get his point, after all I am an adjusted happy and positive bitch, ain't I?
Work is ok. Ok, Gotta admit in this private and protected place that I might have a girl crush on my boss which is 41. You do the math.
He took me to lunch in the same place where this happened. Must say I was kinda panicking but then forgot about it and had a good time.
As of lately I would like to be on meds again. That tells it all.
I am waiting for the darkness to walk poor little Fidel. I cannot bear to show myself in daylight.
Love to you all, darlings.
I will try and be a better blogger person.
And a thank you goes to my two (two!) latest followers: Tiny Bones and Evelyn. Girls, you just made my Sunday :-)
XXX
God, I still can't believe what a shitty time you are having. My heart goes out to you.
ReplyDeleteI, too, have become convinced that I'm going to die this year. My mother developed breast cancer when she was my age, so I worry that I will, too. I have more than a 60% chance of getting cancer.
Amy is now part of 'Club 27'. All the greats died at 27, Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Curt Kobain and now Amy. So sad.
I would suggest having another tattoo done over that one. Something happy, with good associations for you.
Give Fidel all my love and save some for yourself. <3. XXX.
Life sucks ass, doesn't it? :(
ReplyDeleteI just hope you don't let it get you down permanently, you deserve to be happy :D
Sorry about your friend, death is never really welcomed by anyone no matter what we tell ourselves.
Sorry to hear about your old school mate. The late twenties seem to be the time... We've lost a fair few of the people I knew in high school over the last couple years--mostly suicides and overdoses. It's never easy.
ReplyDeleteIf you're questioning whether or not you're going crazy, I'd say you're still quite sane. :) It's when you believe that YOU'RE the perfectly sane one and EVERYONE ELSE is crazy that maybe it's time to go have a *rest*.
Hello Kitty stickers?!? PLEEEEEEASE!!! I'm the same age as you and my room is pretty much wall to wall toys. :D
I'm not getting any massive brainwaves of tattoo ideas, but then I'm not exactly a visual artist... I think maybe you could find a really awesome tattoo artist and then sit down and talk to them about possible things you could do. Like tell the artist some of your ideas, they can tell you some of theirs, and you both can come up with something awesome.
Sorry you've been feeling crummy. I'm with you on the meds thing. I'm about ready to go back to my doctor, throw myself on the floor and kick and scream and sob until he gives me more Xanax.
Hope you feel better. And hope maybe you have another nice date with the boss? ;D
xoxo