So, this morning I was 111.
Which is a relief. Imagine that: 111 a relief. That only goes to show how fuckin much I have managed to gain over the last month or so, since the other day (Sun) I did the very idiotic thing of stepping onto my scale after a two days binge fest- I was 115.7.
Ok, unfollow me now. I wanted to kill myself, but the thought of leaving such an ugly and fat corpse made me regain my senses and start restricting aka stop eating like Godzilla.
So, right now I am at work and there’s not much to do around here for a change, so I am posting instead. It feel s better than helping people scan stuff or serving coffee or translating my ass off.
I actually had another date with my boss. We went for drinks after work on Monday. So now he has my phone number. I can’t quite understand the situation. Nothing happened, if you’re wondering, and he certainly would like to do me, but I have mixed feelings. Let me be analytical about this.
1. I don’t like older men, usually. He’s 13 years my senior. I like young(er) guys, I am into that early twenty freshness. But this is the first time that I think I might actually have sex with someone that older. Weird. I mean, he doesn’t look like Jason Staham or something, but he has that kind of attitude that intrigues me. Oh, he is Cancer like the bastard Sergio. Go figure.
2. That being said, I don’t know if I wanna actually do something with him. Like being touched and stuff. I am getting really weird about being touched. Like ew don’t touch me. I instinctively move away, like I don’t even think about it, I just do. It used to be a little better, but it’s gotten worse over time. Mh. I am kinda afraid it will get even worse than this. So, I am not sure that I really want to and thus I am not sure about what signals I should give. I don’t certainly wanna be an easy lay. I am not going to be the young easy to fuck secretary. I might become, but not THAT easy.
3. After I have solved the matter of point 2. I will have to figure out how this plays out at work. I don’t want things to get weird or anything. But I know I can fake anything. So even if things turn out in an unexpected way, I know I can pretend and look like everything’s perfectly normal.
4. I kinda feel like a whore, but whatever.
5. What if it is a lousy fuck and it gets weird in that sense??? Oh gosh. That just came up to me. The Bastard (that is his new name from now on) was every terrible and horrible thing a man can manage to be, but he was also the best fuck ever. I am sorry for the choice of words, but he was. Like oh my god good. And had an amazing body and beautiful soft skin. Ok, I just made myself miss him and horny at the same time. Great. So, that is to say that on this topic I am quite spoiled. And I think through things way too much. For instance, what if I feel grossed out? Gosh. Ok, I am having a panic attack. Breathe.
6. Since supposedly we are going for drinks again tonite after work I might have to figure all this out before 6 pm.
In other news I managed to give myself some pretty conspicuous scars on my forearm. Great. I am a genius. They are little, but they have a pattern. I made five of them one perfectly above the other. So it’s pretty much clear that they are not casual.
I am sleeping like shit recently. Like the last two three days. I might need something to calm me down and rest a little. I have some drops (I hate them, I am an old fashioned pill popper for Christ sake!) of something my mom used against migraines, but it actually is an anti-anxiety med. It works, but since I am not used anymore I get completely stoned and slowed down afterwards. So I am afraid that if I will use it to sleep the morning after I may look like I just smoked my breakfast from a crackpipe.
What I would really like to try is Adderall, but here that kind of drug is hard to find. There would have to be some doctor’s prescription and it is unbearably hard to get, not to mention the fact that my mom would at some point notice.
I gotta go to the toilet now and pretend to work.
Finally, thank you ladies for the comments (Cinnamon, Evelyn and Mich- gonna do that tattoo artist thing-) and thanks to Cordelia for signing in with me. I am two followers away from 20! Yay! Someone likes me!!
Also, I have made (wink wink to Cinnamon) a fake FB account, here’s the link. You’re kindly requested to friend me. J