Saturday, June 4, 2011

Follow up

A few days have passed. Like a lot. Like it's happened a lot. Like me and S are back together. Like he started crying and telling me that he loved me. Like I crumbled and gave into my instincts.
I have passed the last weeks thinking about this. You see, you girls are not the only ones that consider this character a bad human being and a lousy boyfriend. Pretty much everyone that I know told me how effing lucky I was that he had left me. That I needed to move forward and build a better life.
I feel like I have let everybody down. And you too. I don't know where to put this, where to shelf this thing I have going on with him. This circle of sorrow and lust and hopes and shattered self esteem. I don't know why this happens. I am not like that.

So, I spent the last week and a half dreading the moment where I had to explain to people that yes we're back together. And that includes you. So, to the bunch of lovelies that follow me, sorry for the lack of posts. But I was kinda in a limbo.

Not that I am much better now. Actually I feel like a beast.
I went down to 107.8. My lowest in a LOT.
And now I just weighed in: 114.

It is sickening. I come from a two days non stop fucking binge and now I am about to go to dinner out with friends.
It amazes me how much I can eat.

You must know that here in Italy (yep, ladies, Italy) carbs are like Jesus. Like this crazy almighty element that is everywhere. There's bread. There's focaccia (look it up if you don't know it). And flavored focaccia. And croissants. And pasta. And cakes. And a lot of fucking carbs. So, when I go back home, my parents start feeding me. When I am home I restrict, eat no carbs and rarely eat over 500 cals.

But when I am either with S or my family my rules pretty much go out of the window. I eat. I can't bring myself to tell you what I have eaten so far, and it's 8.18 PM.
2 crackers
Like a slice of a typical cake (almond and hazelnuts)
A croissant
Slice of focaccia
Little slice of pizza
Some home made fries
A little piece of fruit cake, like little little
2 packets of crackers
A 100 cal chocolate bar
Half a kitkat

And that is today.
Yesterday was as good. I had TWO ice creams (220+180) and a shitload of stuff.
I feel like a monster. Like I could've eaten carbs and normal people meals all week and totaled the same amount of calories this week.

When I am home I am some kind of eating-sleeping-monster.
[insert awesome Mich's style pic]
Right now I feel so intoxicated by the food I ingested. The toxins and the calories turned my tongue to a dry sponge-like salty monstrosity.
And in all this mess I have not been able to get my hands on the bloody ipecac syrup. I have tried with a friend of mine that works in a pharmacy, but so far had no reply.

I really really hope the 114 madness goes down. Or I'll have to kill myself.

Thanks to the ladies who commented: I really really really appreciate, even if I let you down by not following your words.
Cinnamon, your advice and motto is simply brilliant. When I'll be able to live by it, I will be a blissful person.

Love girls,
Gotta go out and eat some more.

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