So, the other day I posted. Or at least I thought. Because the stupid iPhone app use to post cancelled the post. It wasn't published and I can't recover it. I was actually very proud of my post about an anorexic Mia Farrow in Rosemary's baby.
In other news, I gained. Right now I am 110.5.
It sucks. Basically it is because I have been eating like a normal person and eating when drunk. No actually it's basically the craving carbs when wasted or just sipping a glass of wine at dinner thing.
It's pretty nasty. I start drinking and since I have no carbs during the day (eat veggies fruits and yogurt) I feel like I am legitimated to have them when drinking, otherwise I would be totally wasted and puking my entrails in no time.
So it starts with a bite of something, a couple of crisps, then, since I have a slight tendency towards compulsion, it escalates into grabbing everything in sight and ordering a couple more cocktails. Eventually by the time I get home I am totally drunk, stuffed with carbs and crave something sweet. So I usually plan on stuffing my face with whatever I have at home that can remotely be resemblant to a dessert.
But since nothing of that kind usually sits in my cupboard, I then plan on buying something on the way home. An ice cream, cannoli, a cupcake, whatever.
At that point I am totally disgusted with myself and head home, in despair.
So you can see why I gained.
And today I haven't been a good girl either.
Tonight I ate at my boyfriend's and had a lot (some meat, four meatballs, enchilada-just the bread wrapping- then came home and had four chips ahoy! cookies and some soy milk). Bad.
And today has been bad at lunch too.
But it was another story.
A graphic one.
So, I am officially warning you, don't read: graphic post ahead.
Today, around one pm, I was in the bathroom, going #2.
I stand up to flush and see a bloodbath. I think to myself "hey, I finally got my period!" (actually not entirely happily).
Then, a second later, I realize that no, it was not where the blood came from. Yes, it came not from where you should expect it coming every thirty days. Nope.
You got it right.
So, I start to panic.
Like oh my god I am dying.
Like why the heck it is not stopping.
Then I call my mom and she tells me it's kinda ok, it happens blah blah blah.
But I am not calm. I am still scared as shit. So I start browsing the net, and I start thinking about the way I have been eating. It's all over the place. I am either starving with diet coke and juice or stuffing my face for one day, then I am back to my regular diet of salad, apples, peaches and yogurt and some occasional tuna.
And then I find this Crohn's disease page. It's a chronic inflammation of the colon (in most cases) that, even though not deadly, is not completely curable.
I have a lot of its symptoms.
So I got scared and thought it would not be a bad idea to have a decent meal, drop the coke and call the liquid fast off.
My lunch then consisted in:
Some green salad and some tuna (water) 70
a yogurt (110)
1 oz fat free cottage cheese (33)
2 special k mini breaks (99 each)
This is one of those days. Those 1000cals days.
But I am pretty scared. I know I have always had problem with my intestines, fine. But this is actually not a pretty outcome and I seriously doubt that malnutrition can help it.
Gonna play some Xbox and then sleep.
Hugs and some crazy love <3