Sunday, June 19, 2011

Can't even think of a decent title.

Peanut, thanks for signing in! Most appreciated. Hope you enjoy my ramblings.

So, still at home. Hometown. Still ate.
This is my only outlet for my persisting anxiety. I do not have any laxatives, I searched the cabinet like a cop on a drug bust, but nothing. I feel my stomach so disgustingly full and protruding I would drink poison to get rid of it.
Today I had, so far:
70 cal non fat yogurt
packet of crackers 110
an egg white 30
some crisps 50
a little bread 50
two slices of toast 65
300ish sooo much.

I have no excuse. I feel the anxiety grow.
Sorry if my post is gonna be short and crazy (-er than usual) but I need to vent.
We will go on a walk now. Hopefully I'll burn something.

Although what is driving me crazy is the fullness I feel. And I am a little tipsy from the glass of wine I had.

I HATE that I cannot make myself throw up.

Will update later.

Hugs <3

Update 12 hours later
Or less. I dunno.
I am back home. And feel safer.
Of course I ate dinner tonite, a regular one. Salad, some soft cheese a couple slices of toast bread and some ice cream thingies.
All in all, it sucked.
So as soon as I set foot into my own apartment, as promised, I took some laxies.
Hopefully they will work. Right now I don't care much about my possible diseased colon, the only thing that is going thru my brain is that I weighed myself (clothes and all) and I was 115. One fifteen.
I wanna DIE.
How the fuck is it even possible?? I don't even wanna do the math from the last weigh in or from my lowest. It's just ridiculous. I am a joke and deserve to be fat and self conscious.

God oh god. I realized on the drive home that I will avoid as much as possible going out to dinner (or lunch).
It has always kinda made my day, but the creeping anxiety reached an historically high level and I realized that knowing exactly the caloric value of every piece of useless food I decide to shove down my throat is essential. Pre packaged stuff it is. Mini sized portions. Yes.

One one five.
1 1 5.
One fifteen. ONE FIFTEEN.


Finally, Starving Artist, thanks for signing in!! I must say I really like your blog, girl! Keep up the good work and hang in there...

Play some XBox, kill myself and then sleep.

Some random craziness and anxious love to you gals


  1. Hang in there! Sorry things are rough right now :/

  2. You'll be ok!! 300 is like nothing. <3

    I hate that, when you're turning the house upside down for laxies and come up empty. Makes me feel like a psycho every time. :/

    Boyfriend sounds like he needs a good kick in the pants.


  3. Thanks for that awesome comment. I love the way you think, F.! <3. XXX.