All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy

To Cinnamon: thanks for the worried comment, girl. I really apprecitate it. Gonna go get checked tomorrow. And I am so impressed by how you are doing this 30 day thing! You go girl!!! <3


So, I am home. Like hometown home. Like at home with my mom. Like OMG.
This morning I came down to see the car I now know I am going to buy. This one.

The pic kinda sucks, but I took it from the dealer's ad and cropped it. It took me about 15 minutes to upload the photo. Yay me!
Anyhow, I am pretty excited with the car.
Not so much for my daily intake. It has been beyond horrid.

Right now I am sitting at my mom's desk writing on my old Mac. The keyboard is old and the keys are hard to press, so it takes me a lot to type in at a decent speed rate without typos.
No one is in. I am alone with the two cats and my mom is out with the dog.
It is crazy how this place can change me in fifteen minutes. The minute I moved out and to another town, this house became something different. It became some kind of haunted manor.
I come down here and I am powerless. My self control goes out the window and I get lazy, moody and a fucking overeater. It is unbeliveable.
I cannot live here more than a few days, this place turns me into a fat piece of lazy ass.
And it's not because of some evident reason, like my mom is not a total nuts or a cat lady nor the house is as creepy as the Overlook Hotel in Shining.

I guess this place brings back the old me, the worst part of me. The part that sets the bar at "Wtf I am gonna eat my boredom out " and keeps going until it's too hard to turn back. 

I cannot even begin to tell you what I have been eating today. I feel gross and senseless. And a Jerk because I don't want to mess up my intestines any more. 

I haven't had any other episodes like the one I had yesterday. Luckily. But I have had some cramps and overall anxiety about it. 

I think it is likely that I have either this or this. Please do not watch the pages because it is graphic. Like nasty graphic.

Yes, I also am an hypochondriac, but on this I think I am somehow right.

I am scared that tomorrow's gonna be as bad as today.

I made my mom buy me some ginseng extract, those things that are supposed to get you active and going, because lately I am quite lethargic. 

So tomorrrow morning I am gonna get up fairly early, get a shower, drink one of those things and walk for at least an hour with the dog.

It will not shed the calories I have inhaled today, but it will be a step in the right direction of not wasting my days when I am here in my hometown. Then, mid-afternoon, I am gonna head back home.

If I start thinking of all the calories from fat and carbs I had today I am gonna have a panic attack. Seriously. Hopefully the ipecac syrup is on its way. I swore to myself (and to you, please feel free to chase me with pitchforks and fire if I don't) that I WILL USE IT WISELY, AND NOT RANDOMLY. ONLY IN CASE OF EXTREME NECESSITY. Like now. I would kill to have some. 

Then again I don't know if it would be a good idea with my unknown nasty disease.

A couple hours ago I went into my old room and started reading a few of my old psychology books. I came to the part about EDs and it said that in subjects with EDNOS the binges mainly occoured when alone, while in company the patients tend to restrict more.

Man I am totally the opposite. When there's people around is when I feel entitled to have some food and enjoy the company. Is when I am alone that I feel like I have no excuse to eat, likeI don't deserve it, so I restrict or plain starve.

Weird.

So, off to something else (some more food? no please god give me the strength) because I am on my mom's computer and even though she is totally tech retarded I am afraid the more I write the more likely it is she will find out what I wrote. Totally illogic.

Be stronger than me, ladies, and turn my failure into your example

Hugs and some lazy crazy love <3

Gonna have a panic attack in the privacy of my brain

P.S.
yes, I changed the blog title. It was floating around in my head for awhile, so I decided to actually change it. I like it a lot better. Hope you do too.