Thursday, April 28, 2011


OH boy do I want a pizza.
Don't really know why but I literally have to chew my own legs off not to go out and get one from the place in front of my building. It is curious how things can become something else.How food can become something much more meaningful than just mere feeding.

That is why ED are never beaten: once you start seeing food as something more, as a problem, as a solution, as an evil presence or saving grace, there is no turning back. It becomes this obsession, and regardless of your diagnosis or physical condition, all you want to do at some point is to go back. Go back at a moment when IT WAS NOT A PROBLEM. I remember once upon a time when the craving for pizza would not be an issue: I would just get one and that would be it. No guilt trip, no drama, no nothing, just a good old fucking stimulus-response case.
That's what I wondered today, as I was walking the dog, passing by a waiter with a plate full of chips and beers: I would like to go back to that moment when food was just food and not a threat or a binge related activity. That is why, again, ED are always there, because you will always have to deal with food and once your perception is fucked up it's like a dog that's been beaten all his life: it will inevitably stay that way because it's used to.

Now, reading this you might wonder (as I do when I read other people's blogs, it's awful I know but I like to have all the details) how am I. Incredibly thin, super fat, moderately overweight and such. I'm 5'5 and 110 lbs. Perfectly average overweight. Ok, I might also be 111, today I haven't weighed myself cos I feel too fat.

Second post about another kind of food: if I keep up like this I can go on for 4657 posts.

And to my first and only follower Cinnamon Brown goes ALL my love and best wishes for everything you're up to. I will try my best not to let you down girl!


1h 20 min later-
just ate 2 chocolates (50 cals each). When will I learn, when will I learn??
Way to go, this sets me at 580 for the day. a freaking lot. but none of them in carbs, since I have developped the very sane custom of having not one carb in my kitchen (I live alone). So if I wanna snack it's either fruit or milk or a yogurt. Or the chocolates my boyfriend gave me.

1 comment:

  1. Hey-hey!

    Pizza is the devil's food! On top of food addiction, COE and BED, I also have Celiac disease and IBS. Which means I have an uncontrolable urge to eat my own body weight in things like pizza and then spend a week in brutal agony, due a massive allergic reaction! FML!

    I agree, we will never be rid of our ED, but we can learn to manage it. I would kill to be 110!

    Thank you for the shout out. Heaps of love and best wishes to you, too, Sweetie! <3. XXX.