Do Not Feed The Animals

Just got an award from my sista from another motha Cinnamon.

Thanks sugar, I really am undeserving of this, but I accept it as a token of your sweetness.

Am I supposed to give it to other ten people or what? I suck at things.

So, I am at work now, after a weekend in my hometown with parents and stuff.

 I am not going to talk about the massive eating involved, a phenomenon that seems to occur specifically in that geographical region.

Update on funny things: Mich, that security word made me crack up and roll on the floor laughing (yes, I am not going to use the acronym)! Possibly that’s a sign.

Boss and I had drinks Friday after work too. Funny, didn’t try to kiss me or anything awkward at all, nice time. In the end he told me, since he is on holiday starting this week, to text him sometime here and there if I feel like. And then he asked me what are my plans for the weekend when he comes back (19^th Aug) and suggested we could spend the aforementioned couple days together. 

Mh. ‘Kay.

Dunno. I was kinda taken aback, but I think in the end I will probably go. The odds of me having sex with him have changed now they lead 3 to 2 against me being a serious and wise employee and not opening anything to anyone.

As announced  I am on meds again. Finally told my mom and she went to my old doc to get me some Lexotan in pills. Popped one yesterday at 8 pm and slept all the way thru 2 am, then I started to wake up every  hour to check what time it was and get back to sleep again.

I left the dog at my mom’s back at home, so right now I am kinda free, and also lonely.

I figured I will have to give him away since my tenants have complained twice last week  about the barking and stuff, and it’s becoming a burden I can’t face by myself. I love him very much and he is the baby god doesn’t want me to have, but I cannot bear this situation nor should he be forced to. I feel lousy. So for the moment, just to take some time, my mom is making an extra effort and taking care of him.

Last post pretty much told everything. I stood there on my bed listening to Exit Music For A Film by Radiohead for almost 90 minutes  seriously thinking I was gonna kill myself. It was just too much. I was at that point where you realize that this is it and you just feel sorry for having made your mind up.

I can’t stop thinking about him, whether it’s hatred or just disbelief, or even anger at myself or flat old disappointment. Lately the most persistent feeling is hatred. I hate him so much for going on with his life without t a problem, for having fun and such. I snooped thru some facebook pages and found a picture of him, dated last week, where he is at this climbing thing in Austria. I posted it on my page, if you are curious. I just wanted to puke with anger. He is there smiling and totally careless, while that same night (I am convinced so) I gave myself a scar all along my wrist just below his name as the next best thing after suicide.

It just isn’t fair, that’s all.

This week will be boring as fuck. Great. Luckily I have my sleeping thingies. I can sleep my pain misery and loneliness off.

In other news: I am still a fatso.

XXX