Pizza.

OH boy do I want a pizza.
Don't really know why but I literally have to chew my own legs off not to go out and get one from the place in front of my building. It is curious how things can become something else.How food can become something much more meaningful than just mere feeding.

That is why ED are never beaten: once you start seeing food as something more, as a problem, as a solution, as an evil presence or saving grace, there is no turning back. It becomes this obsession, and regardless of your diagnosis or physical condition, all you want to do at some point is to go back. Go back at a moment when IT WAS NOT A PROBLEM. I remember once upon a time when the craving for pizza would not be an issue: I would just get one and that would be it. No guilt trip, no drama, no nothing, just a good old fucking stimulus-response case.
That's what I wondered today, as I was walking the dog, passing by a waiter with a plate full of chips and beers: I would like to go back to that moment when food was just food and not a threat or a binge related activity. That is why, again, ED are always there, because you will always have to deal with food and once your perception is fucked up it's like a dog that's been beaten all his life: it will inevitably stay that way because it's used to.

Now, reading this you might wonder (as I do when I read other people's blogs, it's awful I know but I like to have all the details) how am I. Incredibly thin, super fat, moderately overweight and such. I'm 5'5 and 110 lbs. Perfectly average overweight. Ok, I might also be 111, today I haven't weighed myself cos I feel too fat.

Second post about another kind of food: if I keep up like this I can go on for 4657 posts.

And to my first and only follower Cinnamon Brown goes ALL my love and best wishes for everything you're up to. I will try my best not to let you down girl!

cheers

1h 20 min later-
just ate 2 chocolates (50 cals each). When will I learn, when will I learn??
Way to go, this sets me at 580 for the day. a freaking lot. but none of them in carbs, since I have developped the very sane custom of having not one carb in my kitchen (I live alone). So if I wanna snack it's either fruit or milk or a yogurt. Or the chocolates my boyfriend gave me.

First. Post. (Ever)

Ok. First post here. First post ever in my existence. This is hard and weird. How am i supposed to write something interesting to people that ignore everything about me? I mean, i don't even find myself interesting to people who DO know me.

I have been eating lots of chocolate as of today and yesterday and the day before that. Usual Easter madness. I get so caught up in the sugar induced bliss that I am like some kind of drug addict. Seriously. I know I have issues managing my food intake and choosing what to actually put into my body and how much of it, but I am firmly convinced that chocolate is like heroin. Pure goddamn heroin. Like Sid Vicious heroin, like back in the eighties heroin. I know and have studied all of the scientific reasons of it, but they really seem to fail explaining the craze and pure joy I get from eating a little bit of chocolate. There's the pure happiness of that moment, the few seconds when it melts in your mouth, and then I want MORE. Not like "let's have another teeny bit" but more like Godzilla tearing buildings shredding cars eating people crave.
And now I am fighting myself not to go into the kitchen and fetch another chocolate. Because I'm just like that, I like hurting myself.
I have been doing it in many different ways on and off for a lot of years, but foodwise I have just recently come to the conclusion that instead of hurting myself in a straightforward way (i.e. not eating) most of the times I really LOVE hurting myself in a sneakier and much more effective way. If I do not eat I will be hurting myself because my body needs to be fed and so forth, but I will feel (and also be) skinnier, that is a pro. If I eat (read binge on junk) i will hurt myself in TWO ways! I will have my wonderful ED related issue AND I will get (and feel) fatter. So that's just better if you wish to hurt yourself. But again, that's just me, I like to take care of things in a serious way.


And now I cannot believe I have made my first post ever about chocolate. Wise and pertinent choice. Man, have I got a problem. Also, I really hope someone reads this.
If it happens, and someone DOES read it, all my love goes out to you.